God / Spirituality Stories >> Sylvie Imelda

Note from the Editor (editor@sentimentalrefugee.com):

I decided to publish Sylvie's story under the section "God / Spirituality". When I first read it I have to confess that I shied away from a certain way she views things, the New Age lingo she sometimes uses. But then, who am I to judge? I do believe that for many of us the journey in a foreign country is so much more than economic. We may think we come here for the financial opportunities. Yes, it is true. Some (many) get the house with the white picket fence and the Mercedes. But I think the real gain is an expansion of our selves, of our personalities. We do things that we would have never thought possible. And, in the best of cases, we learn things that we would have never had access to in the old country. I believe this is the case with Sylvie. Whether I agree with her language or not, whether I agree with her choices or not is not the point. Hers is, by all accounts, an illustration of the spiritual journey. and it seems to me that, in the end, Sylvie has made a place of her own in the world, and even acquired peace of mind. And that is not a small thing at all.

MY STORY

By

Sylvie Imelda

           I was born on March 11, 1959 in a tiny village in the Northeast of Portugal, the youngest of ten children born to alcoholic parents. My father was abandoned by his father and his mother died when he was a little boy. He was raised by an alcoholic man. He married my mother when he was 24 years old, and my mother was 16 years old. This was an arranged marriage. My mother used to say: "My parents married me to this drunk". The codependency patterns established early in my life nearly killed me. I fantasized about death and eventually attempted suicide. I never understood why I was always in abusive relationships and why nothing worked in my life until I moved to the United States and read about codependency. I have gained a lot of insight and I feel a responsibility to share with others what I have learned, especially in Portugal, which remains a very closed and secretive culture where there is very little awareness and understanding of child abuse, the untreated professional, codependency and dyslexia. I want to use my voice to speak to help others wake up. This is why I want to share my personal story with the public and I am opening a healing center in Portugal. If you know any enlightened talent writer that would consider helping me write my book. Going public with my experiences is something I must do. I know if I write a book about my life experiences and discoveries I can help people break through ignorance, denial and raise awareness in the world. I also know my freedom is depending on this book.

           Let me start from the beginning.  Like I said, I was the youngest of ten, and my sister Isabel is three years older than I. All the other children are much older. My oldest sister is 25 years older than I. We had another sister closer to our age, but she died when she was seven years old. At that time I was two years old, and Isabel was five. The three of us where left with my brother Carlos who was seventeen years old. My mother went to visit my brother Nuno in the hospital. He had been badly injured in a traffic accident. My brother left us alone to go help someone fix a machine that had broken down. My brother was born with an engineer's mind and every time a person in the village had mechanical problems they would come looking for him. While my brother was gone, my sister's clothes caught on fire at the fireplace. Isabel and I ran after her screaming, but she ran from us so we would not catch on fire with her. Nobody heard our screams because our house was one kilometer away
from the village. When my brother came home, he called for help and took my sister to the city hospital, but it was too late, she died at the hospital a week later. My family has never been able to talk about these painful events.

           At the age of seven I started first grade. I was so excited to start school and eager to learn. Unfortunately, at the beginning of the year, I contracted hepatitis, causing me to miss the entire school year. At the age of eight I went back to the first grade. Our country had a shortage of teachers for the smaller villages. At that time in our country the mandatory grade level was the fourth grade. Also, our government was in a dictatorship. The government attempted to solve the problem by giving a short, crash course to adults with only a fourth grade education themselves to teach first through fourth grades. I guess in the crash course they forgot to teach my teacher that children couldn't learn if you hit them in the head with a stick while you teach them. I lost my excitement for learning and I started to hate going to school. Every chance I had I would skip school.

          My two oldest sisters were nurses in the second largest city of Portugal (Porto). When I was nine years old and Isabel was 12, they took us to live with them in the city, so we could get a better education. It was still summer time, and we went to the beach for the first time. I still remember very vividly when I got to see the ocean for the first time. It was so awesome! One evening we were left with two other nurses while my sisters worked. One nurse asked me what grade I was in? I said I was in the second grade. They asked me if I knew how much 3+2 was? I remember feeling nervous and scared of giving them the wrong answer. I looked at my sister Isabel for guidance, help, and support. She had joined the nurses and told me to answer the question. I said four instead of five. They started laughing at me. I felt so humiliated and hurt, but what hurt the most was that my sister Isabel laughed with them. I felt so alone and abandoned by her. That day I learned I was alone in the world.
Isabel was always pleasing all the adults and doing what was expected of her. She would always get good grades in school. She was admired and trusted by everyone. I always had bad grades and I was not able to behave to anyone's liking and no one believed in me. I was told I would never be good at anything, and that I was the shame of the family. Isabel used to tell me that I was the zero on the left and I did not. Now I understand that one of my problems was dyslexia. I never heard about dyslexia until I enrolled in a community college in the United States, and I was told I was severely dyslexic. Suddenly, all the years of struggling and suffering I had endured made sense. Identifying the problem made a huge difference. It allowed me to better understand myself, to deal with my condition, and start letting go of the shame I had taken on throughout my entire childhood. I have come to see my learning disability as a gift in disguise. It prevented me from falling in the same traps of my older brothers and sisters, and to help me face the unhealthy, codependent relationships, especially with my family. I am thankful, because this stopped me from spreading these unhealthy patterns with other people, and future generations, and in helping me to break the cycle of dysfunction in which I had lived.

           When I was 13 years old, my brother Amilcar, who was 20 years old, died in a car accident in Spain after leaving a party. I think he was intoxicated. It took a week for the body to arrive in Portugal. It was a very difficult time. No one in my family has been able to talk about what caused the accident. That year I ran away from home for the first time because my older sister was so mad at me for skipping school. She told me that she never wanted to see me again and I ran away. I lived in railroad station and public bathrooms until the police found me and called my family.

           On April 25, 1974 there was a revolution in my country to overthrow the fascist regime. The classrooms became very chaotic, making learning even more difficult. At 15 years old, I quit trying and dropped out of the seventh grade. I felt so alone I fantasized about suicide. Finding a job in Portugal at that time was like winning the lottery. But after looking very hard, and with a little luck, I found work in a hospital, taking care of newborn babies on the night shift. I loved my job and for the first time in my life I was happy.

            My happiness was short lived. Soon my older sisters found out I was going out on my days off. They had my brother in Spain come take me to live with him. They told my brother they could not control me, and what I needed was a strong hand. He used to resort to violence to force his will on me, and his three young little children. He locked me in a room so I could not go out and make friends with the local youth. Once again I was feeling completely hopeless and not seeing a way out. I had a small bottle full of tranquilizers that my older sisters had given to me to make me more controllable, I took all the pills at once. My sister in-law found me lifeless in my room and took me to a hospital. I was in a coma for a couple of days. When I woke up, the authorities were coming to interview me.  My brother became scared and took me out of the hospital, without the doctors' permission, and I was sent back to Portugal.

           The jobs my family would find for me involved working all day without pay. I remember at the age of 14, my older sister got me a live-in job for the summer. I was cleaning in a private hospital, run by nuns, from 7am until 10pm. I believe that my older sisters got me these jobs, working as a slave, so they would know where I was all the time and would not have to worry about me. I could not take it and would run away from the jobs. I used to use the patio rails on the roof of the fifth floor of the apartments where we lived as balance beams and run between apartments. The neighbors were afraid that one day I would fall to my death. I guess it was one of my ways of asking for help but no one knew how to help me.  I was always sneaking out of the house to hang out at local cafes with other lost young people like me.

           At the age of 17, my older sister took me to see a psychiatrist, Dr. Julio Machado Vaz, today he is famous with a TV program and is a published author. Of course all he talks about is sex. It is his addiction. he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no. Then he asked if I ever had a boyfriend. Once again I said no. Then he told me that my sister brought me to see him because she was afraid that I was sexually active. Then he started to explain to me that most people are sexually repressed. He said that sex is normal and what I needed was a boyfriend. He told me to go see him in his private office where he started performing sexual acts on me. One time he took me to his house while his wife was at the hospital having his second baby.  It went on for some months until my older sisters started to suspect something funny. It is foggy to me how it ended; I just remember he stopped calling me to make appointments when they got suspicious. Today I know what my needs were. I did
not need sex or a boyfriend. What I needed was an enlightened witness to help me with my pain and have given me knowledge, information and tools on how to cope and deal with overbearing, domineering, invasive and authoritarian older sisters and brothers.

           At the age of 20, I found myself pregnant. I knew in my heart I could not bring a new life into the world I was in. In Portugal abortion was illegal and I believe it is still illegal today. I was fortunate enough to find a midwife that performed illegal abortions. I was also very lucky that my family did not find out. If they had found out, they would have forced me to carry the pregnancy to term by locking me up. I know my decision to have an abortion brought me closer to God or my higher consciousness. I know if I had a child without freeing myself first from the vicious circle or karmic wheel I was in it would have gotten me deeper in the vicious circle or karmic wheel, and I would have taken an innocent child with me. I would have gotten further away from God or higher consciousness. I would never have had the opportunity to leave Portugal, where I would never have gotten the information I needed to free myself. I always knew in my heart in order for me to become free, I would have to leave home and Portugal. I Like to share with you this answer Dr. Deepak Chopra gave to a questioner on his website: (Question: What do you think God feels about abortion? Answer: God's feelings about abortion can only be known to us from the level of our own God responses. If we are focused upon the Reactive Response, then God's view of abortion to us will be according to laws of judgment and righteousness. When we have achieved unity with God in the seventh stage, we can know what God feels directly. In this stage one knows the truth of life beyond the boundaries of time and physical body. Action and behavior is not seen as good or bad, it is seen as various expressions of one unbounded field of consciousness, existence and bliss. Any action or human choice is evaluated in terms of whether it brings you closer to this awakening of unity with God or not. That can only be determined by looking within someone's heart, not by looking at their behavior. I don't think God supports certain politics or other human beliefs and dislikes others. Abortion, like any human action or decision can bring one closer to God or not. It's not the category of activity that determines whether it brings you closer to God, it is the love in your heart. If we need to specify what God's feelings are, we could say God feels joy and love for those actions which lead to closeness to the divine and compassion and tolerance for those actions that don't. Love Deepak) If you would like to read more about the seven responses of God or the seven states of consciousness you can read his book: 'How To Know God: The Soul's Journey Into The Mystery Of Mysteries'.

           Two years later, at the age of 22, I was still feeling hopeless of ever being independent. My sister Isabel came home from teaching an English class at the local college and asked me if I knew anyone who was interested in going to London to live with an English family to help them with their two young children. I looked at her and said yes I know someone, ME!  They did not want to let me go because they did not think I was right for the job and I would let them down again. I begged them to give me a chance and to London I went.  Once again I found myself in a slave situation where I was being taken advantage of and I left them within a month. I found another English family that treated me very well and stayed with them for a year. After that, I got a job in a small hotel in London where a lot of Americans were staying. One of them helped me get a visa to go to America.

           But getting in the United States was really just the beginning of my journey. My first job in the United States was in a nursing home as a nursing assistant. I was barely making enough money to pay for my studio apartment. That summer a friend from France that I met at the hotel in London, came to visit me.  She looked through the paper for a job for some spending money and got a job at a nightclub dancing. The ad said waitress, no experience necessary but when we got there they talked her into dancing and told her she would make more money.  She made more money in one night than I made in two weeks! I decided I wanted to make that kind of money.  For the first time I had hopes of becoming financially independent. I started saving money. I also donated to my favorite charities that helped children and animals. Then for the first time in my life I listened to my family, and allowed them to persuade me to give my money to my sister Isabel to invest, who had a college degree. My intuition told me no, but I did it to make them happy. For the first time I was getting their approval.

           In 1994, the business at the nightclub where I worked started to slow down and my tips dropped drastically. I asked my sister about my finances, she said everything was fine. I went to Portugal and I found out that she had embezzled money from me, and the entire family, to support her partner's addictive behaviors. The money was all gone, and to make things worse, she had me sign an irrevocable power of attorney over to her. At that time, I did not realize I was signing my life over to her. I went back to the United States with my heart broken not knowing what to do next.

           Once again I was fantasizing about suicide and feeling hopeless like when I used to live in Portugal. I had no idea where to go for help. One day I called the crisis number from the phone book, it was the most difficult call I ever made. They gave me a phone number to a counselor. I went to see him, but he did not have an explanation or answers to why my life was crumbling. After a few times going to him I decided he did not have answers and did not know how to help me. He was just taking my money. So I stopped seeing him. I wanted to understand so badly why anything wasn't working for me again.

           One day I was at my boyfriend's apartment. He and his roommate where both drank and rude. Once again I asked the question I had been asking myself all my life. Why am I here? How do I get into these situations? I heard a voice in my head saying go to a bookstore. So I got up. My boyfriend asked me where I was going. I told him I was going to a bookstore. He looked surprised! I was not much of a reader. Growing up I never developed the love for books. The few books that had reached my hands had not touched my soul. When I got to the bookstore, I walked right to a book with the title CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie. At the time I did not know what the word codependent meant. I started reading the book, thinking it would be good for my sisters, especially for Isabel, because of the subtitle HOW TO STOP CONTROLLING OTHERS AND START CARING FOR YOUR SELF. But as I started reading, I realized how precious this book was to me. This book had answers I had been looking for for a very long time.

           As long as I can remember, I knew there was something very wrong with the people in my world. Now I understand why. Not because they are bad people, but because they too were victims of their upbringing and they suffer from the illness of addiction and codependency. I realized I had been affected from being involved all my life with addicts and codependents and that I too needed healing. I allowed my family to convince me they were superior, better, smarter and that they knew what was better. Today I know we are all equals and nobody knows what is better for us, but ourselves. We all suffer from the same plight. Today the only difference between my family and me is they are in denial of the affects of their upbringing, and I am not. I have been reading ever since. I know I will never stop reading until the day I die. Other authors that have been illuminating my path of recovery are: Deepak Chopra, Alice Miller, and Gary Zukav just to name a few. Now I see my purpose in life very clearly. I am so grateful. The reason I went to America was to recover from the effects of growing up under a fascist regime with a very dysfunctional family. April 7th, 2000 I became an American citizen and changed my name in order to free myself from my sister Isabel and the family.

          In the summer of 2000, I traveled to Portugal and tried to contact the media there. I wanted to go public with my experiences, and to bring awareness about child abuse, codependency, dyslexia, and the untreated professional. I never got a response. Portugal is a very secretive country, and the media is afraid to talk about secrets, especially if it involves a famous doctor that comes from a powerful family. The media in Portugal protects people in power. I want to find a way to go public with my experiences to help raise awareness in the world. I am planning to go back to Portugal, and open a healing center where I will have therapeutic meetings, yoga, and meditation classes. I am hoping to become an enlightened witness to the children and people of Portugal.

         Reading the book, 'Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps', by Melody Beattie, she recommended reading the book 'Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society's betrayal of the child' by Alice Miller. I became very interested in the book because of the sub title 'Society's betrayal of the child' because growing up in Portugal I felt so betrayed by everyone. As I read her books the guilt I had carried around all these years was being lifted from me. I no longer feel any of my family problems are my fault and I no longer feel I deserved what happened to me. I found my first enlightened witness when I was 36 years old (1995). No one should have to wait this long to find an enlightened witness. In the last eight years I have felt a lot of repressed painful emotions. My ex-boyfriend was very good at awakening those emotions and leaving me alone with my painful emotions just like my family of origin did. Of course I understand now, that, he and no one can tolerate being in the presence of someone in pain if they have not learned to be and work through their own pain. Everyone should have an understanding witness by their side when they are going through pain. I am grateful that my enlightened witnesses came to me through books because understanding what was going on helped me get through it. It has been a very lonely road, but at the same time, I am very grateful and feel very fortunate for the opportunity to have this time alone with my feelings and experience my repressed emotions, so I could heal without anyone interfering. Solitude, books and my cats have been my best friends. The only beings that have been with me through it all have been my cats. Some days the love for my cats was the only thing carrying me through it. I always hated when people in Al-Anon (a 12-step meeting for friends and family of alcoholics) used to tell me that I would find the help I need when I was ready. I feel I was ready for as long as I can remember. I always will wonder what my life would have been like if I had found an enlightened witness much sooner. I am so happy that I did not have any children. I feel proud that I did not pass these wounds and shadow on to anyone else, as my brothers and sisters did, and now I see my nieces and nephews passing it on to their own children. I cringe every time I see people having children without first acknowledging and taking responsibility for their own wounds and shadow. I used to ask myself why do people in painful vicious cycles bring children to a life of suffering? Today I have the answer from Alice Miller’s book: 'For Your Own Good: Hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence.' It is that: "parents have the unconscious need to pass on to others the humiliation one has undergone oneself and the need to find an outlet for repressed affect." I have bought all her books. Her books are very enlightening. I have not seen anyone speak the truth like her. Most people tip toe around the truth and are too afraid of facing these painful truths. Our world needs more people with courage like hers. I always felt so alone with my perceptions. I needed very much to have a witness like her on my side. It feels good that there are other people able to see and speak the truth. I am so grateful for her books because I could not ever articulate and express the truth into words like her. These words from her book: 'The Drama of the Gifted Child' express exactly how I feel today: "The world has not changed. There is so much evil and meanness all around me and I see it even more clearly than before. However, for the first time, I find life really worth living. Perhaps this is because, for the first time, I have the feeling that I am really living my own life. And that is an exciting adventure. On the other hand, I can understand my suicidal ideas better now, especially those I had in my youth---when it seemed pointless to carry on---because in a way I had always been living a life that wasn't mine, that I didn't want, and that I was ready to throw away."  

           While living in Arizona I tried to help by volunteering at the Perryvale Women's Prison in Goodyear, AZ, counseling inmates in prison for alcohol and drug violation. As Alice Miller said in her book:  ‘The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self’ “Every criminal was humiliated, neglected, or abused in childhood, but few of them can admit to it.” I have also been an ALATEEN sponsor for two years, working with teenagers who have been affected by parents and care givers who are addicts and codependents.

           My passion is to help raise peoples’ awareness. I want people to know there is hope and there are answers.

Knowledge without Love is dangerous
Love without knowledge is blind, also dangerous
Knowledge – love = Ignorance
Love – knowledge = Ignorance
Real Love + Real Knowledge = Enlightenment

© Sylvie Imelda Shene, 2004

Sylvie Imelda Shene was formerly known as Imelda Fernandes. You can contact her at imelda@portugalmail.com. Sylvie is very passionate about www.theanimalrescuesite.com and urges you to visit it.

FEATURED BOOK:

Disappearance of the Outside: A Manifesto for Escape

by Andrei Codrescu
Taking into account his own exile from Stalinist Romania, as well as the plights of such greats as Garcia Marquez, Breton, Dada, Kundera, and Milosz, Codrescu issues a call for those living in a free society to reach beyond a benign reality founded in technology and commercialism by tapping into their imaginations and striving for a better, evolutionary existence.

Sonia Choquette. (first generation born in the USA)
"The first thing to say about the experience of an immigrant is that people are like a tree whose roots have been cut off. Fortunately the human spirit is regenerative but only if you acknowledge that you have suffered a major psychic wound, even if you move under the best of conditions. So you can build new roots." Read more...